It has honestly been a week of nothing but anxiety and panic attacks. I started my week knowing that it would be the first week of snow in the city which, obviously, causes problems here in Pittsburgh. Two snowflakes in the air and the entire city is in an uproar. For me though, most of the anxiety started with, and ended with for that matter, the impending meeting with my baby’s father. It was true he had never done anything to physically harm me but, he had some pretty deep cuts with a few harsh accusations. What he might possibly say to me left me anxious and full of dread. To boot my abdomen had finally started to pop last week and when I went to my doctor’s appointment I was told “there you go, finally getting a few pounds!” O-U-C-H. For real I thought the woman had hit me with a baseball bat. I’ve spent a large portion of my life battling my weight and pregnant or not I visibly winced at that statement.
The meeting of course was preceded by a flurry of texts discussing the difficulties he had been going through in the past month or so. I don’t deny that he had some medical hardships and I do believe him when he says he had some inner conflicts over the entire situation. Finally a few nights before the big night a precursory phone call occurred. I bit my tongue, as sharp as it is, I knew it was for the best. Of course within a few hours I was hysterical and began feverishly texting him and unloading all of the massive fears and anxiety I had developed since he had chosen to waltz back into my life. My biggest personality flaw I have to say is my ability to store the things that are bothering me until I turn into a bottle of soda that has rolled down a flight of stairs and then when my lid is just unscrewed in the slightest bit I *pop*! Every random disconnected thought rattling around in my ever spinning brain fizzes out in all directions leaving those around me shocked, soaked, and sticky. It was indeed better to happen now than at the meeting which would take place in a public location though right?
The day of the meeting finally arrived and I left work a bit past 5 so that I could go home before the 7 o’clock meet time. He had one final meeting for the day but after that we would finally see each other after almost 3 months time, or basically my entire pregnancy thus far. When I got home and changed out of my work clothes something told me he was going to be delayed and I ought to put on comfy clothes and read a bit. 7 o’clock. 8 o’clock. Boy, was I hungry. 9 o’clock. Might as well have a bowl of cereal this meeting isn’t happening. 10 o’clock. 10:45 *ding ding* says the phone, “I’m sorry” says the text. For some reason I seem to be able to remain calm in these situations, I suppose that somewhere in my brain there is a little voice reminding me to be an adult and not a hysterical teenager. I simply finished my chapter and went to bed not acknowledging the text(blast you iPhones letting people know when you’ve read their messages!) and not replying.
“Do me a favor and imagine that instead of meeting me last night you were supposed to attend our childs’ school recital.”
Could a sentence that simple get my point across? I’m a big girl I can handle getting stood up. Does it sting? Yes. But nothing near so painful as it would be to a child looking for their father in the crowd and realizing that not only did he not show up, he didn’t even bother to call. Surprisingly he understood completely. The meeting was rescheduled for that night with the knowledge that this was the last chance. After another no-show this time I would be letting my lawyer handle everything. As difficult as that is to say it was really the most logical thing I could say. I’m not sure if it is just me but, making decisions while having an excessive amount of hormones fueling your emotions is a very difficult thing.
For my own privacy and sensibility I won’t go into the details of what was said. What I can say though is that it felt as though no time had passed. Almost as though it was just the date following the last one we had gone on. Well, once I defrosted a bit and lowered my defenses it felt that way. Sitting at the table I felt perfectly comfortable eating which is often a task I have trouble performing around men. The relaxed tone and ease of conversation left me with a lot of thoughts and questions, there are so many roads I could walk down at this point. I can only be thankful that my inability to jump head first into anything had remained in tact and I have to hope that it won’t make me miss a valuable opportunity. When I came home that night I stumbled upon a blog written by a coupled mother describing how much she dislikes single moms. How they have it so easy. They get to do everything by themselves, make all the decisions, and they don’t have to worry about pleasing their husbands on top of everything else they do. My initial thought was “is this woman for real?”. Then I thought about how I felt the night before when he hadn’t shown up for a meeting of what was to me of great importance. Maybe I was better off alone.
Or maybe he really did make a mistake he regrets and I should just put my neuroses aside and give the guy a chance.
Remembering to breathe,
DL
unsuspectingmum 